i miss real winters, with snow and big sweaters and snuggles
someone fly me to montana please :)
Christmas: A New Beginning.
Cold air nipped at my nose as she placed her gloved fingers in mine. She could always make winter better for me. The cold and the mist were things that would dampen anyone’s spirits, but with her it became a fairy tale. The kind of winter you read about in books, where everything becomes magical, transformed by the glittering snow.
The mountains in the distance were shrouded in fog and snow. She was wearing the scarf I had knit her last winter. As we walked back to the car, Christmas tree permit clutched tightly in her other hand, she looked up at me and smiled, nearly dancing with excitement for our upcoming adventure.
I remember our first winter together. The cozy little apartment we got together with its mismatched furniture purchased from thrift stores around town. The many strings of random Christmas lights arranged haphazardly about the doorways and window frames. Our matching blue dinnerware all piled in the sink, the counter crowded with our various favorite hot winter beverages.
Our living room was a chaotic mess of scarves hats sweaters and other various winter items. Our knitting was lying in a heap on the coffee table, all mixed in together and the TV was quietly chunnering on to itself about penguins.
We put the tree in a small corner and decorated it with various mismatched baubles. She always did like a white Christmas, with the snow piled everywhere in great heaps. I had always hated Christmas; the loudness, the fighting, the forced social interactions, and the anxiety the dark cold months brought on.
Winter with her was bright and happy full of life and laughter. She brought warmth in where there had not been any for years. Winter became magic, suddenly all the fanciful Christmas songs made sense, and all the decorations put out early excited me rather than depress me farther.
When I first met her I could tell Montana winters were her thing. I’d be running errands and think to myself, “Wow, this is something she’d love.” Going to cut our own tree had been a tradition in my younger years, something that had always been a romantic idea of mine.
Decorations my grandmother made us took up most of the space on the tree, Gramma had taken to her instantly. It didn’t matter to her that I was different, she still loved me with that same fierce love, which was then extended to her. She still loved having us come over for Christmas dinner.
Winters were better now, brighter, warmer, cozier; something I had been searching for avidly, for quite some time. I’m quite happy to never go back.
It’s all I think about when I’m out. What it would be like with you here, how much happier I’d be, how much I’d love winter and Christmas, how much you’d love it here, and adore everything about it here. It is a dream I’m determined to see through.
For my darling Hayley, because I cannot get you off my mind.
The problem with being a lesbian in Montana is that everyone wears plaid and flannel here. It isn’t unique to just lesbians. Straight girls straight guys gays lesbians and everyone in between including mums and their dogs wear plaid/flannel. My gaydar sucks anyhow. And apparently I don’t look lesbian. Bloody hell.
Wanna know why I hate summer so much, but always hate when it ends?
It’s because I have no friends. Not here anyways. No one to go out and do stuff with. No one to go hiking with, be a kid with, go swimming with, have sleepovers and Doctor Who marathons with. No one to go on adventures with me and find cool places in the wilderness with me. No one to go outside and play with bubbles. No one to motivate me to do things. All I do during summer is work and mope. I sleep, eat my feelings, and hide away in my room. I spend all my life on the internet. Mind you there are some really awesome people on the internet, but they all live far away from me.
I never get to have summer flings, go outside, have adventures. Even as a kid I wasn’t particularly fond of summer. If you want to know the whole truth I’ve never been particularly fond of any part of my life. All I wanted to do today was go outside and walk in the nice weather with someone. But my brother refused and my “best friend” hasn’t texted me in weeks.
I guess that is why I look forward to school more than most people do. Gives me things to do, people who always want to do things. And this is a fresh new school, more people, more potential. I’m excited for it to start, but also wary of the work load. Seriously I want to be outside in the weird cloudy cool weather. I missed out on most of this summer. I really don’t want to miss out on fall.
I hate being lonely. I hate not having someone I can rely on. I hate spending all my time in the dark doing one thing or another. I’m becoming a sort of monster I suppose, a creature who only lives in the dark and yet is wary of it.
I’m lonely. Miserable. Sick. Depressed. Sad. Lost. Hurt. Tired.
WE ADDED A CHAT ROOM!!
That is right, I added a chat to the blog! Now you can chat with people who follow Big Sky LGBTQS!
So underneath the Admin names it has a link to the chat! Just make a name up and password and you are all set! You can even register your name and password so it doesn’t get taken again!
I thought this would be a good idea! :D I hope to see you all in the chat room!
With Love From,